Amsterdam, September 3rd, 2020
Earlier this summer, after months of hearing bad news related to Corona, we decided to share the good news with almost the entire world that we were expecting our second child. With our first child, Thiago, we decided not to share until we were sure everything was perfect, but this time we didn’t want to wait.
We were happy, especially because I turned 40 in May and started to get all these worries about the difficulties of getting pregnant: that you don’t have enough eggs, that only a few under 40 get pregnant in the first 6 months of trying to conceive, and that a lot of my friends were and are in the process of getting fertility treatments. I was worried, but my husband was not–he is the happiest, most positive person in this entire universe. So to get pregnant easily felt like heaven! I was empowered and energized by it. From the first moment I knew about my pregnancy, I arranged for the midwife, the kraamzorg. I was very confident and sure about my body. Even though this time I did not have any morning sickness as I did with Thiago, I felt pregnant.
But life is fragile, and the second day we were on holiday in Italy, I started to bleed. Nathan read and told me that sometimes this can happen during pregnancy, but at the end of the day and middle of that night, it was clear to me that something bad was happening. I texted my midwife around 3 am and she answered me, “Not nice to hear, but you can’t do so much. The body will do what he needs to do. There are two paths, either everything is good and the bleeding stops...or this baby is not ok, and there will be more bleeding”.
Nathan held me tight and I could not sleep. I stayed up reading every single article about it and going to the WC.
The bleeding did not stop, and in the morning I called my midwife, a mama who one week before shared with me that she had already 2 miscarriages, and another close friend who went through a similar situation. I wanted to know exactly what was happening to me, to us. After all those conversations, we decided to go to a Clinic that my husband found nearby in Lugano, Switzerland.
It was the best decision we made. They treated me with a lot of love and compassion, and they tested and double-checked all that needed to be checked, before sharing with us, in Italian and broken English, that the baby was no longer there.
Yes, we were sad, yes we were confused. I sent a message to my gynecologist in Colombia, who, despite the time zone and the early time in Medellín, called me 5 minutes later. His explanation and advice in Spanish helped me a lot. I realized that we are surrounded by a lot of people who love us, who support us. And most importantly, I was surrounded by a lot of beauty and I could not be more grateful for what I already had. I didn’t need to focus on what I didn’t have, at least at that moment.
Our neighbors and good friends from Amsterdam arrived to spend one week with us in Italy on the same day the miscarriage started. And it was good to have them there, because their presence reminded me that happiness can be possible when you are sad, that both emotions can occur together. And those days while they were there and I was dealing inside of me with this weird feeling of not being pregnant anymore, I allowed myself to have fun! Real fun! Laugh!
They left one week later and it was time to deal with my internal process. I made a list of all the things that could help make me feel better and get through this new challenge in my life.
I disconnected from every single social media channel (I am still and I am not planning to connect to them any soon), I started to meditate every single day, spend time cooking recipes from my cooking club, took time for myself, read, was fully present as a mama and as a wife, called my closest friend, talked to a doula-coach and my gynecologist, talked with my family. I enjoyed the slow pace that little town was offering me. We had daily rituals, I had dates with my husband, we played with Thiago, we laughed and I cried, and we celebrated every single moment we had in this world. We made a long list with all that we are grateful for and we did not go to bed without thinking of all the amazing things we did on that day.
By the end, I can not say that it was a bad trip. It was a beautiful holiday, a new opportunity to get stronger as a family, to learn more about myself, to overcome challenges with love. We left Porlezza happy and with a bag of hopes and faith.
I am back in Amsterdam and sometimes I am sad, but I can't let that stop me from living my life. It would be weird to see myself not getting out of bed. There is so much that this world offers to us that I don’t want to miss.
So far, what I have learned from this experience is that we need to share more about it and support each other. You never know when you will need help or need to be there for someone else, to use all the tools you have to overcome challenges with happiness, lean on your community, and allow yourself to be, for one time, not a superwoman.